The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
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me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Print is alive and well!!!
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Hey i am sexy to you now
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem