When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
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the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it