I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
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[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?