It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
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Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.