I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
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Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
All set.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Cheer up.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
This is sending me to another galaxy