*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
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Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…