We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
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[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk