my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
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When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
“Sheer Arrogance”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now