The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
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Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.