You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
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me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Europe. Made in Germany.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do