You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
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Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
those birds must be on payroll
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me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I have obtained a hat
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I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.