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To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Not all heroes wear capes…
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
the three branches of government
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
*offers Batman cough drops*
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
This fish is cracking me up
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.