[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
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ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up