Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
This a good idea
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.