I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
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that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
🚲+physics = winner
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest