If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
What flavor cupcake are these
Alexa: *deep breath*
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Good dog. ❤️
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
This is Sparta
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.