If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”