If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
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judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Who says great literature is dead?
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Not today.. 😂
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣