If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
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[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok
*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…