I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
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when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Something Saturday.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no