Essential oils? You mean WD40?
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My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
What’s a Messi?
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
thanksgiving in nutshell
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.