thanksgiving in nutshell
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11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.