thanksgiving in nutshell

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Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming


billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit


Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.


Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary


When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.


*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”


Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*


Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”