Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
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me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.