Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
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My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
just make the entire table out of coaster
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.