Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
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If Mr Krabs owned a bar
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
The real reason evolution started..😂
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.