If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
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Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh