If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
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I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job