If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
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Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
What personal space?
My dog
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Oops
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I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.