I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
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ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
excuse me
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
our love story in four pictures
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I’M CRYINGGG
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not