Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
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*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
They’re not wrong
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for