maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
two people or more is called a problem
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.