“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
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*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
So creative 😂
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet