The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
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What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Customize Your Wedding.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.