The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
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Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Intelligence is the new cleavage
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*