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Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school