wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
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I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.