If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
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My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.