I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
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We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
😍😂🥰😂😍
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.