I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
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Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
look at me when i’m typing to you
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.