Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
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ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Love is in the air fryer.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”