[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
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You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Breaking news:
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no