jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
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6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Holy shit he’s back
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.