In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
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As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
WHY would you be happy about this?
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Squirrels before girls.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
*ernest hemingway voice*
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.