Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
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“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Chemical wingman
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Sounds like a bargain
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.