*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
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Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
huge if true: the moon
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”