instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
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[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Is this a threat?
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you