Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
new wife guy just dropped
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Cats (2019)
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.