Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
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COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I need to get some bricks…
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?