Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
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Which wines pair best with gloating?
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
🙂🐾
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary