The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
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Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.