Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
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*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
pizza
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“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
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*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
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kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
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Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.