My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
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It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
philosophical skeletons be like
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Smooooooth
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims