I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
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I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
The 6 types of sex
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.