There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
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No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
My love language is hissing.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once