Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
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I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try