[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
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My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches